People often think that being a twin means liking the same things and acting the same way. Growing up, we shared many things such as the same birthday and room, but one thing we didn't share was the same personality. She was more on the loud and wild side, while I was more of a easy going, sensitive, and sweet girl. These characteristics reminded my mom of the cartoon bird "Tweety", so that's what she started calling me.
The more I grew older, the more I resembled the character Tweety. Whether it was the way I talked, or the fact that my head was too big for my body, the nickname stuck with me. My mom also said that she called me Tweety because it rhymed with sweetie. Both Tweety bird and I had an innocent looking face, but a smart and clever mind. I was always opening and closing things, and trying to figure out how things worked.
The name Tweety was very special to me because none of my other sisters had a unique nickname like how I did. It was also special to me because only my mom calls me that. We were always close with each other, and I always looked up to her. We were both the youngest and probably the most spoiled. The nickname Tweety was another way that my mom showed her affection towards me.
As the years went by, I began to outgrow my nickname. I no longer talked like Tweety, and my head wasn't as big for my body anymore. I also didn't like to be called Tweety when I played sports, because I wanted to sound tough, not weak.
Looking back at those days, I now realize the significance of that nickname, and what it meant to my mom and I. Every time Tweety appears on T.V., we always look at each other and smile. It was one of those things that only we can understand, and that's very special to me. This nickname reminds me of what my childhood was like, and I'll never forget it.
As the years went by, I began to outgrow my nickname. I no longer talked like Tweety, and my head wasn't as big for my body anymore. I also didn't like to be called Tweety when I played sports, because I wanted to sound tough, not weak.
Looking back at those days, I now realize the significance of that nickname, and what it meant to my mom and I. Every time Tweety appears on T.V., we always look at each other and smile. It was one of those things that only we can understand, and that's very special to me. This nickname reminds me of what my childhood was like, and I'll never forget it.
This draft is quite well executed in terms of the general idea of what you want the reader to understand/receive from reading the essay. Your purpose is clear and gets straight to the point; a nickname that was given to you (Tweety) that you seek to share with the reader. The diction you chose paired with the way this story is structured does indeed help your voice to be "heard" when reading the essay.
ReplyDeleteSome improvements that I would probably make is to the amount and quality of the content and the conventions. Though there are some conventions mistakes here and there, they don't distract the reader from understanding the purpose too harshly. However, there are some ways that you could better transition between paragraphs and provide a more fluid "feel" to it. This is by adding a richer amount of content. More history on your family, the origin of the word, and memories with the nickname could all contribute to making a vivid connection. The paragraphs feel somewhat too summarized. Solidify those connections; make use of different techniques such as a variation of sentence lengths or the likes of that to enhance the essay.
For example, the second paragraph ends off somewhat abruptly with "I was always opening and closing things, trying to figure out how things worked". Expand upon that idea and then transition to the next paragraph. Or, if expanding upon it is somewhat difficult, then introduce another comparison between you and Tweety and expand upon that. In general, rinse and repeat that same technique for each paragraph.
"More details" is a phrase many teachers associate with shorter essays and I dislike how general the phrase can sound, but that is what I think this essay could improve on in two words.
I really liked the way you compared your self to your sister and how being so different from her got your your name. And I really like the flowing sentences and choice of words. Although the essay would be perfect if there were more detail about how it affected you and others in a good or bad way. Other than that it was a really good essay.
ReplyDeleteAS(2+) YOU HAVE THE RIGHT IDEAS AND THOUGHTS, YOU JUST NEED TO GET THEM OUT ON PAPER. YOU NEED TO GIVE ME SPECIFIC EXAMPLE OF WHEN THE WORD WAS USED AND WHEN YOU HEARD FROM YOUR MOM. GIVE ME MORE REFLECTION AND EXPLANATION AS TO WHY YOU LOVE HEARING IT FROM YOUR MOM. WHY THIS WORD IS SO IMPORTANT COMPARED TO EVERYTHING. EXPAND ON YOUR IDEAS MORE.
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